Wednesday, July 21, 2004
[famous_quotes] LAUGH OUT LOUD QUOTES
I am a new member of this group and would like to share the funniest quotes
I've heard or seen.
"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people
very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move." (Douglas Adams)
"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard
enough to find your way around Chinatown." (Woody Allen)
On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK" (Anonymous)
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and
suffering. (Anonymous)
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be
why my wife treats me like toxic waste. (David Bissonette)
A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody
home. I went over. Nobody was home. (Rodney Dangerfield)
And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to
play with. (Rodney Dangerfield)
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not
sure about the former." (Albert Einstein)
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep
her. (Sacha Guitry)
Tell a man there are 300 Billion stars in the universe and he'll believe
you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be
sure. (Jarger)
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You
know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a
psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to
kill you too.'" - (Jake Johansen)
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe
(Jackie Mason)
The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there
are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government
regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words. -From an article on
the growth of federal regulations in the Oct. 24th issue of (National
Review)
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a
bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good thing for any man.
(Socrates)
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A
successful woman is one who can find such a man. (Lana Turner)
(Calvin and Hobbes): "The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere
in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."
Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID? (Steven Wright)
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. (Henny
Youngman)
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. (Zsa
Zsa Gabor)
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day
you're off it. - Jackie Gleason
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow
you'll be afraid to cough. - Pearl Williams
"Sure, everyone always said 'Socrates, what is the meaning of life?' or
'Socrates, how can I find happiness?', did anyone ever say 'Socrates,
hemlock is poison.'???????" -Socrates minutes before death
Television is called a medium. This is because it is neither rare, nor well
done.
HOPE U ENJOYED THEM AS MUCH AS I DID!
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I've heard or seen.
"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people
very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move." (Douglas Adams)
"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard
enough to find your way around Chinatown." (Woody Allen)
On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK" (Anonymous)
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and
suffering. (Anonymous)
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be
why my wife treats me like toxic waste. (David Bissonette)
A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody
home. I went over. Nobody was home. (Rodney Dangerfield)
And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to
play with. (Rodney Dangerfield)
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not
sure about the former." (Albert Einstein)
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep
her. (Sacha Guitry)
Tell a man there are 300 Billion stars in the universe and he'll believe
you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be
sure. (Jarger)
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You
know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a
psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to
kill you too.'" - (Jake Johansen)
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe
(Jackie Mason)
The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there
are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government
regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words. -From an article on
the growth of federal regulations in the Oct. 24th issue of (National
Review)
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a
bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good thing for any man.
(Socrates)
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A
successful woman is one who can find such a man. (Lana Turner)
(Calvin and Hobbes): "The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere
in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."
Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID? (Steven Wright)
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. (Henny
Youngman)
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. (Zsa
Zsa Gabor)
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day
you're off it. - Jackie Gleason
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow
you'll be afraid to cough. - Pearl Williams
"Sure, everyone always said 'Socrates, what is the meaning of life?' or
'Socrates, how can I find happiness?', did anyone ever say 'Socrates,
hemlock is poison.'???????" -Socrates minutes before death
Television is called a medium. This is because it is neither rare, nor well
done.
HOPE U ENJOYED THEM AS MUCH AS I DID!
_________________________________________________________________
Help STOP SPAM with the new MSN 8 and get 2 months FREE*
http://join.msn.com/?page=features/junkmail
------------------------ Yahoo! Groups Sponsor --------------------~-->
Yahoo! Domains - Claim yours for only $14.70
http://us.click.yahoo.com/Z1wmxD/DREIAA/yQLSAA/hYiolB/TM
--------------------------------------------------------------------~->
Famous Quotes Forum
Famous Quotes
East Valley
Payday Loans
Cash Advance
If you got this from someone else, you can subscribe at
Famous Quotes or by mailto:famous_quotes-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Yahoo! Groups Links
<*> To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/famous_quotes/
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