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"My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather." --Jackie Mason

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"According to a recent Bureau of Justice survey, night is the most dangerous time for law enforcement officers. Second most dangerous time: day." --Jimmy Fallon

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"I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get." --Rodney Dangerfield


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