Thursday, January 19, 2006
Bumper Sticker Quotes
New Hillary Clinton Bumper Sticker
FINALLY, someone has come out with a 100% bipartisan political bumper sticker.
The hottest selling bumper sticker comes from New York state.
"RUN HILLARY RUN"
Democrats put it on the rear bumper.
Republicans put it on the front bumper.
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New Hillary Clinton Bumper Sticker
FINALLY, someone has come out with a 100% bipartisan political bumper sticker.
The hottest selling bumper sticker comes from New York state.
"RUN HILLARY RUN"
Democrats put it on the rear bumper.
Republicans put it on the front bumper.
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Tuesday, January 17, 2006
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Monday, January 16, 2006
Henny Youngman Quotes
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
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I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
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Oscar Wilde Quotes
America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.
Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing.
I think that God in creating Man somewhat overestimated his ability.
One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards.
To disagree with three-fourths of the British public is one of the first requisites of sanity.
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.
I can resist anything but temptation.
We have really everything in common with America nowadays except, of course, language.
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America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.
Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing.
I think that God in creating Man somewhat overestimated his ability.
One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards.
To disagree with three-fourths of the British public is one of the first requisites of sanity.
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.
I can resist anything but temptation.
We have really everything in common with America nowadays except, of course, language.
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Mark Twain Quotes
No one ever went broke under-estimating the taste of the American public.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.
I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.
In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language.
It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.
The report of my death was an exaggeration.
Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.
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No one ever went broke under-estimating the taste of the American public.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.
I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.
In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language.
It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.
The report of my death was an exaggeration.
Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.
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Joan Rivers Quotes
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ``Get the hell off my property.''
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ``Get the hell off my property.''
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Mary Richards Quotes
Sometimes you have to get to know someone really well to realize you're really strangers.
I'm an experienced woman; I've been around... well, alright, I might not've been around, but I've been... nearby.
- Mary Richards (Mary Tyler Moore Show)
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Sometimes you have to get to know someone really well to realize you're really strangers.
I'm an experienced woman; I've been around... well, alright, I might not've been around, but I've been... nearby.
- Mary Richards (Mary Tyler Moore Show)
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Groucho Marx Quotes
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Go, and never darken my towels again.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.
My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
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A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Go, and never darken my towels again.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.
My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
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Oscar Levant Quotes
There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
Underneath this flabby exterior is an enormous lack of character.
So little time and so little to do.
I am no more humble than my talents require.
I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame everything on.
The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too.
Behind the phony tinsel of Hollywood lies the real tinsel.
I'm going to memorize your name and throw my head away.
Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.
I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.
Once I make up my mind, I'm full of indecision.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.
When I was young I looked like Al Capone, but I lacked his compassion.
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There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
Underneath this flabby exterior is an enormous lack of character.
So little time and so little to do.
I am no more humble than my talents require.
I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame everything on.
The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too.
Behind the phony tinsel of Hollywood lies the real tinsel.
I'm going to memorize your name and throw my head away.
Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.
I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.
Once I make up my mind, I'm full of indecision.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.
When I was young I looked like Al Capone, but I lacked his compassion.
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David Letterman Quotes
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.
New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.
There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.
Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.
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Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.
New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.
There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.
Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.
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Johnny Carson Quotes
Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
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Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
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George Carlin Quotes
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
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Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
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Woody Allen Quotes
I am at two with nature.
I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
I am at two with nature.
I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
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I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart. ~e. e. cummings
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. ~Sam Levenson
Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people, and kill them. ~Unknown
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. ~Jack Benny
When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half. ~Gracie Allen
Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair. ~George Burns
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. ~Bob Hope
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either. ~Dick Cavett
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. ~Dave Barry
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. ~Rodney Dangerfield
Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness', but it doesn't work.
~Gallagher
If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets. ~Mel Brooks
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die. ~Mel Brooks
I'm a man of the world, Andy. Why, I've even been to Raleigh!
Deputy Barney Fife (Don Knotts on the Andy Griffith Show)
The difference between man and animals is that we don't use our tongue to clean our genitals. ~Rimmer - Red Dwarf
A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children. ~David Brenner
I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling ~Unknown
Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he would have lost. ~Mort Sahl
Life is a game, whoever has the most money at the end wins
Danny Devito
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart. ~e. e. cummings
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. ~Sam Levenson
Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people, and kill them. ~Unknown
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. ~Jack Benny
When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half. ~Gracie Allen
Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair. ~George Burns
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. ~Bob Hope
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either. ~Dick Cavett
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. ~Dave Barry
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. ~Rodney Dangerfield
Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness', but it doesn't work.
~Gallagher
If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets. ~Mel Brooks
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die. ~Mel Brooks
I'm a man of the world, Andy. Why, I've even been to Raleigh!
Deputy Barney Fife (Don Knotts on the Andy Griffith Show)
The difference between man and animals is that we don't use our tongue to clean our genitals. ~Rimmer - Red Dwarf
A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children. ~David Brenner
I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling ~Unknown
Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he would have lost. ~Mort Sahl
Life is a game, whoever has the most money at the end wins
Danny Devito
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Sunday, January 15, 2006
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